Ruled by Rules? Understanding — and Breaking Free of — Rule-Bound Thinking

I’ve been working with a client who has been breaking some rules lately. Not any to be alarmed by; they were self-imposed rules that don’t fit anymore.

Over the course of six months of working together, she started to do things that spoke to her, like take her laptop to work outside, and she knew the change was noteworthy.

It is noteworthy because it shows there is more flexibility in her life, and work, and this reveals growth. Structure and standards are nice to have, however, if they are too rigid it can be more harmful than helpful.

As a recovering perfectionist, I know all too well the self-imposed restrictions of Ruled by Rules thinking. I couldn’t start one thing before finishing the other, even if the other thing was not working out for me. I had to start on a certain day at a certain time, or I wouldn’t be able to start at all. These rules were arbitrary and were often unchallenged.

What creates Ruled by Rules thinking? Often, it’s a coping strategy. Rules feel safe if you’ve had a history of fallouts from criticism and disapproval. Rules are also a shield if you’ve been in environments that reward compliance over judgement; be it in a family, community, or a workplace.  

If you follow the rule, you don't have to weigh judgment calls, tolerate ambiguity, or risk being wrong. So, in moments of stress, uncertainty, or past punishment for "getting it wrong," the mind reaches for a rule instead of a real-time read of the situation. 

One way to counter Ruled by Rules thinking is to ask yourself, “What is this rule actually for?”  and “Does this rule help or hinder me in this moment?” Give yourself permission to use judgment when the rule and the goal diverge.

If you continue to ask yourself this when you catch a self-imposed rule, you’re building a different skill than rule-following. You’re rebuilding trust with yourself and your own read of a situation. This is no small thing. This is the start of having more flexibility and confidence in yourself and with others.

If you’re feel you’d still like support with Ruled by Rules thinking, you can schedule a Get Acquainted & Strategy Session to explore how it’s possibly holding you back.  

Best,